Try This Rich Mom Trick

Dear People with Rich Moms (or at least moms who are richer than you),

The next time you are over at your mom's house (other people live there too, like my dad, but my mom is the person who goes to Wegmans), ask her to purchase these deliciously expensive organic snacks:

 

They taste just like the cheap ones that are full of chemicals that you enjoyed when you were a kid and your mom didn't know better (jk, Mom, you were always a Granola Girl), but they cost way more money, so you can feel really good about eating a box of each in one sitting. Seriously, though, these are two awesome companies and you will not regret making your mom buy these.

Enjoy,

Tofu

Gateau au Yaourt

Dear Pamela Druckerman,

Thank you for writing the awesome book Bringing up Bebe. I read it when my bebe was a few months old, and I've been making people read it ever since. I love learning about how other cultures view parenting (which is why I also liked this book [Mom -- I put these links on here so you can click on them and order these books from the library! just sayin.]). 

Before I read your book, I thought that I was going to hate French parenting. But I found out that I'm more of a French parent than I thought. I totally agree that cooking with toddlers is awesome, if messy; I think that my early start with cooking (especially baking) is why I love it so much as an adult. (And by early start, I mean: what's not to love about sitting in the high chair eating chocolate chips and watching your parents bake?)

Now that my youngest constituent is old enough to really "help" in the kitchen, I wanted to try your recipe for Gateau au Yaourt. First of all, I love baking with yogurt. And I love that the yogurt cup is the measuring device for this 1-2-3 cake. 

Here is your recipe: 

Ingredients

• 2 six-ounce containers of plain whole-milk yogurt (use the empty containers to measure other ingredients)
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups sugar (or just one, depending on how sweet you like it)
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• Just under 1 container of vegetable oil
• 4 containers flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• Creme fraiche, enough to dollop (optional)

Directions

• Preheat the oven to 375 F
• Use vegetable oil to grease a 9-inch round cake pan or loaf pan.
• Gently combine the yogurt, eggs, sugar, vanilla, and oil. In a separate bowl, mix the flour and baking powder. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients; mix gently until ingredients are just combined (don't overmix). You can add two containers of frozen berries, a container of chocolate chips, or any flavoring you like.
• Bake for 35 minutes, then five minutes more if the cake doesn't pass the knife test. It should be almost crispy on the outside, but springy on the inside. Let it cool. The cake is delicious served with tea and a dollop of crème fraîche.

Here are my notes: 

- I used a 1-cup measuring cup instead of the 6-oz container and the ratios worked out fine (if I had increased it more, I would have also increased the eggs, etc)

- I used canola oil and that was fine

- Why would you want to only use one cup of sugar instead of two? Oh, because you are French

- I used 3.5 containers of flour and .5 container of cocoa

- I made 24 cupcakes (use cupcake papers), and baked them for 15 minutes

- Next time, I'm going to try it without eggs, since I don't usually have eggs

- I will also probably try it with whole wheat flour, but I know that you are too French to understand why I would possibly want to do that (actually, I really like the taste of whole wheat flour in baking; I'm not doing it because I am a health nut [obviously])

Hasta la Vi--I mean, Au Revoir,

Tofu

Dear Michael Pollan,

Thank you for letting me review my local library's copy of Cooked, your latest book. I also appreciate how toned my arms are from holding it up, since my library only had the large-print edition. Although you do go off on your predictable rants, I agree with those rants, so I really enjoyed your book (even though reading it in bed gave me carpal tunnel syndrome). In fact, you inspired me to make this bread: 

...the most beautiful loaf of bread that I have ever made. As you know, I am a lazy baker, and I'm usually satisfied with whatever I make, as long as it has plenty of fat, salt, and/or sugar (preferably and). However, your chapter on bread made me realize that I do have a lot of bread tricks in my repertoire, and, while I do use them sometimes, I don't usually use them AT THE SAME TIME (crucial detail). [I also have a lot of cheese tricks in my repertoire, like, "honey, will you PLEASE make some cheese?!?"]

This bread was inspired by one of everybody's favorite bakers (her Pugliese recipe), and tofu-ified, by, well, me. First, I kneaded together a lot of sourdough starter (like a cup -- I consider that a lot), 2 c flour, 1 c warm water, 1 t yeast, 1 T sugar, and 1.5 t salt. I kneaded it in a bowl (I always do that, but you re-iterated how it's helpful for wet dough, so I'm mentioning it here) for five minutes, which is five minutes longer than I usually knead (you motivated me there, too).

Second, I let it rise for about five hours in a covered bowl; during that time (thanks to you) I folded it onto itself three different times. It took about ten seconds total and I really think it made a difference (I don't really believe in punching down, but this was a nice compromise). You also reminded me how awesome it is to bake in my Dutch oven (which I actually preheated, for once; I also generously salted and oiled it). 

I baked the bread at 475 degrees for 5 minutes and then 450 degrees for 20 minutes, all with the lid on. Then I took the lid off and finished it at 450 degrees for another 5 or 10 minutes until it started to brown. 

I didn't let anyone slice it until it was cool (also a rarity in my house). 

According to you, real bakers take pictures of the inside of the bread.

L8ter,

Tofu

Pretzel Bread

Dear Turkey,

Do you ever get tired of reading about bread? Probably about as tired as I get of baking and eating it.

This was going to be pretzels but it was getting late so I made it into a pretzel bread (adapted from The Bread Bible):

In a bowl, combine the following and knead for five minutes:

2/3 c sourdough starter (optional)

Scant 3 c flour

Scant 1/3 c whole wheat flour

1 T yeast

1 T barley malt

1 T salt

1 c water plus an extra T or so (I would call it a heaping cup but that's tricky)

Let it rise, covered, as for long as you wish (but at least an hour probably, and if it's overnight, put it in the fridge). Make into a ball and let it rise again if you want. Sprinkle with salt. Bake at 475 degrees for 5 minutes and 450 for 25 minutes. 

While you're eating it, check out this cool book that I just started reading.

I moss you,

Tofu

Mexican Goes on Vacation, Too

Dear Cafe Corazon,

Props to you for being the first fine establishment in Milwaukee to have the privilege of being reviewed on this blog. I found you online, and I knew immediately that we were a match made in heaven.

For example, your black beans are vegetarian. It says that right on your menu. And they must have honey in them, because they taste just like mine! And you have a nice little blurb about how you use all kinds of local produce and stuff.

Also, we could eat outside, and you brought the food fast -- two major points for you from babyland. Your salsas are hot; you don't assume that your customers are not hardcore.

Photo: corazonmilwaukee.com. I was too busy juggling a baby, chips, and enchiladas to take a picture.

We had tostadas that looked remarkably like the ones pictured above (sans cerveza), and enchiladas. If I come again and it's cold, I will also have one of my favorite hot chocolates. Nice work, people.

We did not stay for postres, since we had to enjoy this for the tenth time. That day. Okay, it was the second time that day. For me.

Hasta la Vista,
Tofu

Cloth Diapers Go On Vacation

Dear Turkey,

I know that I said that I wasn't going to tell you any more about how I'm such a cool, crunchy mom that I took my cloth diapers on our trip.

Instead, I will share some snapshots of our quality local eating experiences:

Delicious subs

Delicious Custard (but not my favorite...)

Everyone's favorite shopping bag

I moss you,

Tofu

My Giant Lunch

Dear Mom,

Even though you didn't finish your half of our giant lunch yesterday, I've decided not to revoke your mom-hood. You can continue to participate in my anonymous restaurant reviews in your important capacity as The Payer.

Yesterday, we went to my favorite Middle Eastern place. I have fond memories of eating there with you when I was a kid. Like the time that you forgot that there was a pita sandwich on top of your Previa and drove away.

In high school, my friends always wanted to go to the other Middle Eastern place. Because they have bad taste. They like hummus better than baba and spanakopita better than spinach pie. Munjed's has the best, smokiest, baba and the best spinach pie, by far. (But, I agree, their hummus isn't as good as King Davids').

We enjoyed spinach pie, feta & olives, baba, pita:

Grape leaves, tabouli:

And very fresh and crispy falafel:

Anyway, Mom, since you're not nursing me anymore, I guess I forgive you for getting full and taking home leftovers.

Heart,

Tofu

I Am a Famous Book Critic

Dear Bee Wilson,

Thank you so much for letting my library lend me a free kindle edition of your latest book to review. I hope this review will make you almost as famous as I am.

First things first, the cover:

Since I read this on my kindle, I didn't even really see the cover. So, my off-the-cuff first impression is: classy. Due to my OCD, however, I would always be licking my finger and trying to pick those errant salt granules off of the cover. Something to think about if you are trying to market this as a coffee-table book to people with mental disorders.

Here is another criticism about the kindle edition: since I couldn't leaf through the pages, I was SHOCKED and DISMAYED when I got to the end of Chapter 8 and I realized that THE BOOK WAS OVER. My kindle only said 80% done; the rest were just notes (kudos on doing all that research and stuff).

In conclusion, I heart-ed your book. It kind of reminded me of this other trendy history book written by a Brit that I also loved.

"Later" (that's American for "bye"),
Tofu

Nine Dollar Guacamole

Dear Cantina Laredo,

Thank you for your generous offer of free lunch in exchange for a shot at fame and fortune on my blog.

Just kidding:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Thank you for letting me and Lt. Veggie Nugget use your credit card to eat lunch, self-serve froyo, and Starbucks at the mall yesterday while pretending to be teen moms.

Either way, I went to lunch at Cantina Laredo yesterday in order to answer an important question: what exactly goes into $9 guacamole?

Luckily, they made the guacamole right in front of me, so I could see what goes into it: exactly what I put into it at home, where I still get to watch myself make it, and it costs about $2.75.

Actual size

That said, I appreciate the addition of a "Mexican" restaurant to our horrible mall. They conveniently marked the vegetarian entrees (few though they were) with a green square (or was it a triangle?). I had spinach enchiladas (served the "traditional" way, with beans on one side and rice on the other). It was nice not to have to ask if the beans had meat in them, and I enjoyed the "free" chips and two salsas came to our table right when we sat down.

Of course, Cantina Laredo isn't nearly as good (or as cheap) as Our. Local. Favorites. But, Mom and Dad, I wouldn't say that your money was wasted, either.

Adios,
Tofu

My New Job

Dear Turkey,

Since we haven't talked in a couple of days, I'd like you to be the first to know about my new job. Yes, I have decided to become a Critic at Large. Haven't heard of this position before? Just leaf through your latest New Yorker magazine and you will see it, right there, its own department. However, since I'm pretty sure that The New Yorker employs fewer people than are in my family, I have decided to also keep my regular job (that's right, Boss and Co-workers: your baking is safe).

After my successful review of My New Favorite Cookbook: Smitten Kitchen (attn: Deb Perelman -- are you reading this? is it taking so long to ship my complimentary copy because you decided to send me a whole case? oh...you shouldn't've). I have decided to review Peas and Thank You by Sarah Matheny (attn person who lent me both of these cookbooks: your free samples await you; you know who you are).

I liked this cookbook because it is:
1) Hilarious
2) Vegan, but doesn't use all kinds of weird ingredients that I don't have

"Constructive criticism comments:"
1) I think some of my pictures are actually as good as some of yours (okay, my best ones are almost as good as your worst ones, but still)
2) You are obsessed with Hawaii

So today I made "PB & J Cupcakes" (scroll down; once again: not on your blog -- props). But instead of "J," I used "Nutella." I also used regular whole wheat flour instead of the "white" version and it was still delicious.

these came together so quickly, with very few cups and spoons to wash

1.72 mins later

unrelated material

I moss you,

Tofu