Carb Loading for Mother('?)s('?) Day

Dear Fellow Mothers,

Yes, I do not know where the apostrophe goes in Mother('?)s('?) Day. I don't even know if there is one. And yet, the Parenting Review and Permits Board still allowed me to become a mother. Go ahead, try and vote me off the island.

I am here to offer you some mother-ly advice about how to really appreciate that holiday with the tricky punctuation, especially if you are nursing, just ran ten miles, and are concerned about fulfilling your caloric needs.

First, appetizers:

If you are a lightweight, you can start working on this one on MD-eve. But the elapsed-time should be no more than 24 hours:

Second, carbs:

I stole this recipe from food52 (even though I am mad at them). The only things that I changed were: adding sourdough starter, replacing the milk with buttermilk, and melting the butter. Oh, yeah, and not measuring anything. They were still heavenly.

Third, carbs with fat and sugar:

I made this batter and let it chill overnight. I served it with berries, orange marmalade, and whole-milk ricotta with maple syrup stirred into it. 

You all probably wish that you were my mother, since we invited her, too; except for my actual mother, since she had to raise me in order to qualify for this brunch. 

Keep up the good work, Mom,

Tofu

Ducks are Friends, Not Food, Version 2.0

...Or should I call it Version 1.0, because, as of this printing, there is only one duck. And I found the culprit: my little neighbors' dog. 

And guess where my little neighbors were when I texted them to tell them that their own dog was eating their ducklings:

At court. For speeding. Because they are 21.

How to Keep Organic Ice Cream from Getting too High and Mighty

Dear Turkey,

Now that you're en -- oh, you stop gossip-hand! -- that's not your story to tell! Ahem, sorry. Now that you're almost thirt -- oh, bad hand! Anyway, now that it's Sunday, I thought you might be looking for some handy advice tips from your old friend Tofu.

Have you ever enjoyed a big bowl of tasty, expensive, wholesome, organic ice cream and you've just felt like it was a little too full of itself? It didn't know how to gets its organic panties out of a bundle and just have fun? Well, here is a solution for you: 

Show that smarmy organic ice cream who is boss by smothering it with un-wholesome , NOT-food, M&Ms and Heath Bar bits (disclosure: I think that M&Ms are the perfect food).

Congr -- oh, stop it, hand!

Tofu

Ducks are Friends, Not Food

Dear Fellow Vegetarians and Fake-Vegetarians,

Yes, this is my backyard. And, while ducklings are not food for me, they are food for somebody. These are our little neighbors' ducklings (I call them my little neighbors because they are 21 and they are SO 21...and I am SO NOT 21 anymore). There used to be six. Then there were five. Yesterday morning there were four. At the time of publication there are three. 

So one of these ducklings is deceased. Which one? Geez, they all look the same to me.

My baby can say "duck."

Let's just say, if you've ever had duck-itch, you will not be coming over to swim in my pond.

Now let's discuss something that IS food:

Burritos with beans/poblanos, rice, tomatillo sauce, queso blanco and guacamole on the side.

I could eat beans and rice every day.

Goodbye for now, vegetarians,
Tofu

Anana?

Dear Turkey,

My baby says a few words, including "anana." But he always says it like a question: "anana?" The answer to this question had better be yes. 

However, he usually only eats about one inch of the anana, leaving the rest for me. So, yesterday, I added the rest of the anana to my list of things that I needed to use up: eggs, strawberries, buttermilk, Bob's Red Mill 5 Grain Cereal (confused?). I usually mash up ananas when I bake with them, but I decided to slice this one, and it was a nice change. 

Anana muffins:

In your big shiny metal bowl, combine:

1 c flour
1/2 c whole wheat flour
1/2 c oatmeal (I used up more of my Bob's Red Mill 5 Grain Cereal)
1/2 c sugar
1/2 t salt
3 t baking powder

Add:

3 T oil
1 egg
1 c buttermilk
Fruit of your choice

Do not overmix. This recipe makes 12 (I doubled it, of course). I find that muffin papers make my life easier here.

400 degrees, 20 mins later:

Enjoy with a homemade macchiato and save yourself $4 (or, rather, your mom, because you use her credit card when you go to Starbucks).

I moss you,
Tofu