It Is Le Cold

Dear My Cousin Who Lives In Alaska,

You probably won't be impressed by this post, since, in your words, "forty below is not that cold; you just don't stay outside for that long." Still, I will be going to the gym today.

Car temp

Stay warm,
Your cousin Tofu

Just Relax

Dear Tofu,

Your compliment for today is: you are good at a lot of things. Your hair is so shiny. Your outlets and light switches are dustless. You are punctual.

Now that I've got your attention, it's time for the constructive criticism section of this piece: you are not good at relaxing.

For example, your backyard looks like this on a bad day:

And that's only a third of the backyard. 

You have some of the world's second best coffee and everyone's new favorite rolls, and some wildflowers that you picked right outside your door.

You did a good job relaxing for ten minutes while enjoying this snack and the view. Then you spent two hours vacuuming underneath all the furniture. I agree, however, that it is relaxing to be able to look under the furniture and only see cleanliness.

You're the best,

Tofu

Ducks are Friends, Not Food, Version 2.0

...Or should I call it Version 1.0, because, as of this printing, there is only one duck. And I found the culprit: my little neighbors' dog. 

And guess where my little neighbors were when I texted them to tell them that their own dog was eating their ducklings:

At court. For speeding. Because they are 21.

How to Keep Organic Ice Cream from Getting too High and Mighty

Dear Turkey,

Now that you're en -- oh, you stop gossip-hand! -- that's not your story to tell! Ahem, sorry. Now that you're almost thirt -- oh, bad hand! Anyway, now that it's Sunday, I thought you might be looking for some handy advice tips from your old friend Tofu.

Have you ever enjoyed a big bowl of tasty, expensive, wholesome, organic ice cream and you've just felt like it was a little too full of itself? It didn't know how to gets its organic panties out of a bundle and just have fun? Well, here is a solution for you: 

Show that smarmy organic ice cream who is boss by smothering it with un-wholesome , NOT-food, M&Ms and Heath Bar bits (disclosure: I think that M&Ms are the perfect food).

Congr -- oh, stop it, hand!

Tofu

Not Losing Those Two Pounds Today

Dear Turkey,

I don't usually post twice in one day, but I just couldn't wait to tell you this. I just read the following little morsel in National Geographic:

Combine shrimp shell and silk proteins and a miraculous new substance is born. “Shrilk” was invented by researchers at the Wyss Institute at Harvard, who layered the two components in a way that mimicked structures found in shells and insect cuticles. Shrilk is inexpensive to manufacture but has invaluable virtues: It’s tough, flexible, and biodegradable. In the future it may be used to make everything from wound dressings to trash bags to disposable diapers. And it might make many landfill-choking plastics obsolete. —A. R. Williams

So, "shrilk" reminded me of something. We used to call rice milk "rilk" (aka "Rilke's favorite beverage"), and so we started calling chocolate rice milk "chrilk." 

Chrilk:

National Geographic has many fine uses.

I moss you,
Tofu

Happy Belated Earth Day

Dear Turkey,

There are lots of things to celebrate: my hair is behaving, my Bailey's isn't even a tenth gone, my face rash is diminishing, and it was Earth Day. So I decided to celebrate my love for the Earth with a beautiful cup of homemade organic soy hot chocolate and vegan marshmallows sweetened with brown rice syrup:

Just kidding, it's Swiss Miss with Jet Puffed Marshmallows. But I'm enjoying it just as much.

I moss you,
(Organic) Tofu

My Face Rash

Dear Turkey,

So I have this face rash. It might be the same rash that I had two times before. It's called Peri-oral Dermatitis. Translation: a rash around your mouth that nobody knows what it is. (See, this does have to do with food, because it has to do with my mouth.)

Here are some questions that I got answered for my $90 the last time I went to the dermatologist (no, they don't take insurance, so don't ask):

Me: What is it?
The Best Dermatologist in the City, His Son, and His Daughter (all staring at my face): We don't really know.
Me: What causes it?
TBDitC,HS,aHD: Spicy food, hot baths, hot drinks, exercise.
Me: Oh, all of my great pleasures in life. How do I get rid of it?
TBDitC,HS,aHD: Antibiotics.
Me: Oh, is it bacterial?
TBDitC,HS,aHD: No.
Me: So why do antibiotics work?
TBDitC,HS,aHD: We don't really know.

Summary: they don't know what it is; they don't know why it's there; they don't know how to get rid of it. Well, the antibiotics did work, but they're the kind that mean that you can't go out in the sun, lie down after taking them, take the right before bed, take them without food, the list goes on. AND you can't take them while nursing.

So, face rash, it's just you vs. me. Spicy food, hot baths, hot drinks, exercise: here I come. I will not abstain because of you.

I moss you,
Tofu

My New Toothbrush

Dear Turkey,

I have special needs when it comes to brushing my teeth; I can't do it right, and every time I go to the dentist, he yells at me. Last time he suggested that I spend $134 on an electric toothbrush. Not just any electric toothbrush -- one that lights up and makes a loud noise if you push too hard (to protect those vulnerable gums), and one that makes a different little noise when it's time to move to the next quadrant of your mouth (because apparently I can't tell time, either).

It took me a little while to get used to my head vibrating every time I brushed my teeth. And sometimes I still get confused and do things in the wrong order (turn it off BEFORE taking it out of your mouth). But, after a few weeks, I can see why people say that their teeth just don't feel as clean when they use a regular old low-tech toothbrush.

Of course, I also have to use special toothpaste because I have the mouth of an 80-year-old.

For example, beautiful things like this make my teeth hurt. For days.

Hello, there.

How does it charge on that little stand anyway?

In other personal grooming news, I have a new leave-in conditioner success strategy: wait until everyone leave the house before applying.

I moss you,
Tofu

Leave-In Conditioner

Dear Turkey,

I know this blog is supposed to be about food, but today I have to talk about something even more important than food: my hair.

As you know, I have long, beautiful, shiny, shiny, hair. Did I mention that it is shiny? Anyway, the world at large can't really appreciate my hair, because when I wear it down it usually just turns into a tangled mess. So, even though I am opposed to beauty products, I decided that if I am going to have long hair, I need to enter the world of leave-in conditioner.

So, I did some research, and I was going to buy this brand, which probably smells all nice and natural, like me. But they don't carry that kind at Wegmans, so I got this brand, which (they don't tell you this on the bottle) is scented: Your Husband Will Have to Leave the House Every Time You Use Me.

This morning, I jumped out of bed and raced to the bathroom to try my new beauty product (did I mention that I'm opposed to beauty products?). I spritzed it all over my hair. My hair was shiny; it was beautiful. I went back into our room and my husband (ever the diplomat) said: "I fully support your quest to make your hair manageable, but we have got to talk about that smell."

Okay, Honey, you are right. My hair smells so fruity that I can actually taste it. But it's really shiny. And it's remained comb-able even though:
1) I'm wearing a sweater
2) It's all dry and static-y in my office
3) There were 30 MPH winds today
But I'm starting to get a headache, so I will take your advice and try my original brand choice.

For those of you who have tuned out of my post so far (aka men), time to wake up, because I also managed to bake in the midst of my hair-conditioning-athon (yes, I am a power-mom). As you probably know, I am obsessed with banana bread (and scones, and my hair). I wanted to try something a little different; this is a cross between a quick bread and a "real" bread, and the texture is really nice for a change.

Banana Sourdough Bread

In a bowl, combine:
2/3 c sourdough starter (optional, as always, but not really if you want to make to sour -- you could also just add a teaspoon of dry yeast here)
6 very ripe bananas
Between 2/3 c and 1 c sour cream (I used a combination of light [but not the one with all the nasty fillers] and regular)
2 c flour
1/2 c sugar
1 c chocolate chips
1 t baking powder
1 t baking soda (yes, I had to use ALL the leaven-ers)
1/2 t salt

Taste the batter -- it tastes like soda -- really.

Bake in a greased pan for at least 70 mins at 350 degrees.

In other news:

Attn: Free Refills Dept

Well, g2g, I'm distracted by my hair.

I moss you,
Tofu

Warning: This Post is NOT About Food

Dear Turkey,

If you were me yesterday or the day before, you would appreciate a warning on all of my other posts that said: Warning: This Post IS About Food, since looking at pictures of food was, for once, not my idea of fun.

Now that I'm all better (Dear rest of my family: I am SO sorry. On the bright side, at least we weren't all sick at the same time so I can do your laundry and stuff), I still want to tell you something. And, if you think about it, it is kind of about food, especially if you are me.

So there is this thing called Moby Dick Big Read. It's from a British university. Every day for 136 days, they released audio (along with artwork) of one chapter of Moby Dick (they're all done but the audio/artwork is still available). Some of the readers are famous (like the Prime Minister), and some are not. Their whole argument is that Moby Dick is the greatest American novel, but nobody reads it.

I read Moby Dick before, in college, and I loved it. But, listening to a few chapters a week while I pump breast milk at work, I REALLY love it. And, this is my new favorite part (you'll see why). If you really read it, I think it will surprise you, because Melville is so awesome, and he has surprised me tons of times:


But far beneath this wondrous world upon the surface, another and still stranger world met our eyes as we gazed over the side. For, suspended in those watery vaults, floated the forms of the nursing mothers of the whales, and those that by their enormous girth seemed shortly to become mothers. The lake, as I have hinted, was to a considerable depth exceedingly transparent; and as human infants while suckling will calmly and fixedly gaze away from the breast, as if leading two different lives at the time; and while yet drawing mortal nourishment, be still spiritually feasting upon some unearthly reminiscence;—even so did the young of these whales seem looking up towards us, but not at us, as if we were but a bit of Gulfweed in their new-born sight. Floating on their sides, the mothers also seemed quietly eyeing us. One of these little infants, that from certain queer tokens seemed hardly a day old, might have measured some fourteen feet in length, and some six feet in girth. He was a little frisky; though as yet his body seemed scarce yet recovered from that irksome position it had so lately occupied in the maternal reticule; where, tail to head, and all ready for the final spring, the unborn whale lies bent like a Tartar’s bow. The delicate side-fins, and the palms of his flukes, still freshly retained the plaited crumpled appearance of a baby’s ears newly arrived from foreign parts.

Listen to the whole chapter here.

Image Courtesy of Moby Dick Big Read: Scrimshaw 2012 by Jonny Hannah

And, really it is all about food in the end, even for Melville:

When by chance these precious parts in a nursing whale are cut by the hunter’s lance, the mother’s pouring milk and blood rivallingly discolor the sea for rods. The milk is very sweet and rich; it has been tasted by man; it might do well with strawberries.

I guess someone who wrote her MA thesis about Childbirth Motifs: Sacred and Profane would be into that.

I moss you,
Tofu