Peach Bourbon Cocktails

Dear Turkey,

If you're a lightweight

Like me, just put a little

Splash of the bourbon

Boba with Soy Milk, Maple Syrup, and Chocolate Foam

Dear Turkey,

A few $6

Trips to the bubble tea place

Made me just make it

Copycat Grom Drinking Chocolate and Whipped Cream

Dear Turkey,

From the internet

I got a hot tip that this

Is how they make it

Golden Latte

Dear Turkey,

The concentrate for

This stuff costs $8 at

The grocery store

Tapioca Coconut Parfaits

Dear Turkey,

I made this at my

First real job: as a waitress

In a chic tea shop

Pineapple Smoothies and Pumpkin Smoothies

Dear Turkey,

I woke up and two

Smoothies had come to me in

A wonderful dream

You Can Make Bubble Tea

Dear World,

Are you sick of spending $5 every time you want bubble tea? Do you have that sneaky feeling that you can make enough for you and all of your friends for that much money (your real friends, not your facebook friends)?

I used to work at a bubble tea place, and I knew that bubble tea isn't that hard to make -- if you always buy your bubbles from the same supplier, use the same pot with the same amount of water on the same burner and cook them for the same amount of time. In other words, I knew it would take some trial and error to perfect the process in my own kitchen.

Here are three pieces of advice so you can learn from my mistakes:

1) Quick-cooking bubbles: there are pros and cons. Cons: unpronounceable chemicals (and they are made who knows where which can make even that hard to trust). Pros: they cook in five minutes instead of an hour, and the scary chemicals make them much more forgiving to chilling/freezing/reheating/etc. (you're really not supposed to do any of that, except maybe freeze them once at the beginning, but these bubbles make it more possible). If you start messing with the chilling/heating business you will get the hang of it.

2) As my grandma says, use a really big pan. Otherwise they will stick and burn (that was fail #2: we called those Lapsang Souchong Bubbles).

3) If you cook the bubbles according to the directions (or store them in the fridge, not according to the directions), and they get crumbly/crunchy/disintegrate-y (you know what I mean), you can restore them to their typical chewiness in the microwave. I wish I had known this before (fail #1).

So there really isn't much of a recipe here, since you should cook the bubbles according to the package directions (what you want to buy is "Tapioca Pearls" -- there are different kinds, but the brown ones that look like rabbit poop are what's in the bubble tea we're used to).

When they are cooked, immerse them immediately in a simple sugar syrup that you may have already made (I would use 2 c water for about 2 c uncooked bubbles). Then, either use them right away, put in the fridge for a day or so (and then microwave before use), or freeze until you are ready to microwave and use them.

You can add these to any tea, juice, coffee, etc. I made a big quart jar of really sweet iced tea, and then used 1 part tea:1 part soy milk in each glass. If you really want it to taste as creamy as at the bubble tea shop, you have to use gross non-dairy creamer (no judging).

Enjoy,

Tofu

Mung Bean Smoothies

My Fellow Americans,

You know that I am already judging you for not embracing interesting flavors that everyone else loves. (Why don't we have taro flavored medicine?) In the spirit of adventure, I am introducing you to the mung bean smoothie:

It's delicious,

Tofu

Make Your Own Chocolate Milk

Dear Turkey,

I never really thought it was worth it to make my own chocolate milk until I read this blog post. This blog has never failed me (except that I get carpal tunnel syndrome from having to scroll through all of the pictures [which, admittedly, are way better than mine]), so I was kind of won over by her argument that homemade chocolate milk is way richer and creamier than the store bought version.

This is really like a smoothie with no ice, which was nice for a change. I blended up 2 c of vanilla soymilk, 1/2 c frozen raspberries, dates (just 4 or 5 -- that's enough), and 1/4 c cocoa. Make sure you blend it until it's really smooth (which will take like 5 seconds if you have a Vitamix -- I wouldn't know).

It really did turn out thick and creamy, kind of like a cross between a smoothie and a milkshake. The raspberry/chocolate flavor was awesome. I couldn't really taste the dates, but they added sweetness and made it a little thicker while counteracting the powdery-cocoa-thickness. It was so satisfying that I turned down a trip to the ice cream store right after I drank it. True story. Space placemat optional.

Enjoy,

Tofu 

My Custard Is As Good As Yours

Dear Turkey,

Now that I have your attention, I'm going to tell you how I made frozen custard that's as good as yours. It's probably better. We should have a competition.

First of all, my recipe came from a famous, old, French person. The day before, I gently heated 4 egg yolks (save the whites!), 1 c milk (you could scald this milk with a delicate flavoring agent, like an herb, beforehand; since I was using strong flavoring agents, I waited until later), a pinch of salt, and 1/2 c sugar (that's it!) until it reached 165 degrees. Yes, use a thermometer. I stored this in the fridge overnight.

If you are using a kitchen-aid ice cream maker like I do, make sure that it's been in the back of your freezer for over 24 hours, and that your freezer is on the coldest setting. Also, freeze the bowl that you plan to store the custard in when you're done. When you're ready to make the ice cream, pour in the batter, 1 pint of heavy cream, and any strong flavoring agents (I used a T of vanilla extract and a few T of coffee liqueur). When it's almost done, add anything chunky (I used mini chocolate chips).

Eat it right away for that custard-y feeling, or freeze for a couple hours for maximum scoop-i-ness but optimum softness. In other words, you are trying to optimize taste and texture. As you know, custard with no artificial stabilizers won't keep for weeks in the freezer. 

For dessert, you will probably want something healthy, like iced coffee with foamed milk, coffee liqueur, whipped cream, and cinnamon:

And now for something actually healthy: Cornspacho. It's gazpacho made out of corn. Just boil or steam some corn for 1 minute (or microwave it with the husk on for 1 minute), cut it off the cob, and blend it with just enough water to make it soupy and salt to taste. If you still don't believe me about how good this is, try it.

Also, another awesome recipe from Smitten Kitchen: roasted tomato salsa. Just broil some salted tomatoes, jalapenos, and garlic until you start to see brown spots. Then blend it up, adding water if necessary.  

Oh, yeah, those egg whites. Mix them with a pinch of cream of tartar, a pinch of salt, 1 T vanilla, and 1/2 c or 1 c (depending on how sweet you like it) sugar, until stiff peaks form. Spoon onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and bake at 200 degrees (this will take several hours if it's humid).

Enjoy,

Tofu

My New Favorite Smoothie

Dear Thirsty World,

You will be pleased to meet my new favorite smoothie. I think that I've underestimated the value of ice in smoothies: it's free, and, paradoxically, it makes them taste more like Frappuccionos:

For two big glasses (because I want two), vita mix-ify blend: 4 handfuls ice, 1 ripe banana, as much peanut butter as you can fit on one tablespoon (almost 1/4 c I bet), 2 T whole milk vanilla yogurt, 1 c vanilla soymilk, 2 T unsweetened coca. 

Now your life is complete,

Tofu

Frothy Iced Coffee

Dear Mom,

I hope you enjoyed this frothy iced coffee; it's the first time I've made one that's really good (good thing I have lots of people willing to drink all of the hundreds of failures before this). I made really strong coffee in the french press (if I had had more time, I would have chilled it or frozen it into ice cubes). Then I put some ice in a glass and poured the coffee on the bottom. I added a tablespoon of Kahlua (top secret ingredient) on top of that, and then topped that with some whole milk that I had frothed in a separate glass (with one of these -- nope, not ashamed). I sprinkled cinnamon on top: 

Enjoy with some of this.

Before you leave this page, take another look at my perfect half-moon cuticle...delicious coffee,

Tofu

Dates

Dear Turkey,

I've been reading about smoothies with dates in the them a lot lately, and I knew that I wanted to try making some. But dates are expensive, so I had to wait until I was at my parents' house first.

I made his one after running 12 miles on Sunday. It had 1T peanut butter, 5 big dates, 1/2c vanilla soy milk, 1t cinnamon, 1 banana, and a few ice cubes. I don't usually put ice in my smoothies, but it made it like a Frappuccino, except better:

Hello: Lunch with Dates for dessert:

Enjoy,

Tofu

Hello: Unhealthy Lunch

Dear Turkey,

Today for lunch I had a peppermint hot chocolate. With a side of two salted caramel filled cupcakes:

From this place

Don't ask me what I had for breakfast,
Tofu

How do they Make Tapioca Anyway?

Dear Astute Work Friend (aka "Iwasborntobe30"),

Thank you for asking me how to make tapioca, and then finding the answer for me. As we discussed, tapioca is from the yuca plant, but here's how the magic happens:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbt0ioecwmc

And now we know,
Tofu

Flavors

Dear Other Countries,

Why do Americans only want the same old boring flavors of stuff? Now, perhaps I am being America-centric, and you guys are all sick of your exciting flavors and just want some strawberry ice cream. 

My favorite flavor of gelato is pear. Pear isn't even that weird, and we actually grow pears here, but I am shocked with food ecstasy if I find pear gelato anywhere except grom.

This is a sesame smoothie. It is delicious. And the Pocky is a much better choice for my waistline than what I had last time. 

Double tapioca, please

Next time, I am having a mung bean smoothie,
Tofu

Amish Muffins and Amish Decaf Chai

Dear Turkey,

Greetings from Amish Country. I'm using this typewriter font in honor of the ingredients that I'm going to write about, which came from the Amish store. 

Turns out, the Amish make delicious whole milk yogurt. My youngest constituent calls it "cow yogurt," because there is a cow on the container. He likes to consume it in very big spoonfuls; he says, "pile of cow yogurt please." 

The Amish also make very delicious and cheap flour. I have never seen stone ground whole wheat flour for so cheap, and it's so light and fluffy, almost like pastry flour (which means it's probably not as as good for you as other whole wheat flours, but this is baking, after all, so I don't care).  

I made my favorite muffins, but replaced the flax with a cup of whole milk cow yogurt, and I used that beautiful Amish flour:

Since Amish people probably don't believe in spending $4 on a chai, I'm going to tell you about the decaf chai that I made yesterday. This is a fun chai to make with a toddler because of the tactile experience of adding the whole spices. 

I put a big mugful of soy milk in a pot and added two decaf tea bags, several cloves, part of a cinnamon stick, a pinch each of whole cardamom, cumin, and coriander. I brought it to a boil and let it stand for 5 minutes. Then I strained it into a mug and added some sugar.

Whole spices, especially cinnamon sticks, are often expensive. But not at the Amish store.

Talk to Ye Later,

Tofu 

Hello: 1500 Calorie Snack

Dear Scale,

Why, you ask, are you telling me such a high number today, and making me sad? Well, maybe it has to do with this:

You see, here I was, at the bubble tea place, and I was hungry. And they have daifuku mochi. I love daifuku mochi -- it's the kind with the rice flour outside and the red bean inside -- and it's really hard to make (I asked my Japanese friend how to make it once, and she answered, "in a factory."). I have been known to eat a whole package in one day. So, I got four individual ones.

I was halfway through daifuku four of four, (and I had already finished my chocolate bubble tea with extra bubbles [in a size bigger than I usually get]) when I began reading the package. I was appreciating how Japanese desserts aren't usually as full of fake ingredients as American desserts, and then my eyes accidentally wandered to the calorie count: "254." "Serving size: 1." "Sugars: 56 grams." Look out, Japan, here comes Tofu.

Sorry, scale,
Tofu

It's My Dream Bubble Tea

Thanks Unique Tea House: chocolate bubble tea with double bubbles. My dream drink. (Shameless product placement of my favorite coffee on my SIGG in the background.)

Hello, Lunch: Gnocchi

Dear Turkey,

I love gnocchi. Even the kind that comes vacuum-packed in the pasta aisle that is so not-fresh, you don't even have to refrigerate it. Usually, I use garlic and onions in pasta. This time I didn't use either and it was nice, for a change. 

Me: I love gnocchi so much, I could eat it for breakfast with butter and salt. [This coming from someone who can't eat savory food for breakfast -- pizza? no way.]

Honey: You're nuts.

                                            

I cooked the gnocchi and tossed it with oil, salt, pepper, lots of lemon juice, some little orange tomatoes that I halved, and shredded cheese. That's it. The lemon made the sauce really creamy and tangy. Make sure that you add lots of oil and salt to the pasta water, too. It makes it taste better, and it makes the pot much easier to wash.

Bonus Material:

I don't usually spray the oven when I bake bread, but I was peer-pressured, and it really makes a nice crust if you're too lazy to get out the dutch oven.

My favorite coffee shop. Yes, both of those are for me, thanks. 

 I moss you,
Tofu